The Foresters 3 - 6 The Copplehouse

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

So that’s it my english friends, season over. It was a shame you guys couldn’t win and make the semi-finals. I love the semi-finals. I remember the auditions for I’m a Celebrity when I was drawn against Curtis Steigers, he didn’t stand a chance, I showed him how a game of Hop-Scotch is won let me tell you. He was so upset he had tears in his eyes.

I was on my way to the neutral venue of the Prince Leopold, only for my good friend Matt Dawson to ring me and tell me the game was now being played at the Foresters, I told my driver to change course immediately, thanks Matt. We went into the game knowing it was to be the Copplehouse’s last game before disbanding, so they were up for it and were definitely going to grab the bull by the horns. I knew a guy once who grabbed a bull by the horns, he died. At 2-2 I thought that is was all to play for, but their quality showed and they pulled away from us with the game finishing up 6-3 overall, my congratulation to the three winners Liam, Billy and the skipper who finally put in a good performance.

So off we go into the close season, I hear rumours about some exiting signings being made which could mean a quick return the Premier League. As for myself, I am going to have a very busy summer. I am hiring a boat and I’m going fishing with my good friends John Barrowman, Carl Lewis, Max Von Sydow and Freddy Boswell from Bread. It’s an annual thing that we do every year, we have such fun.

See you next season my english chums

David

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Foresters Player	3 Dart Ave	Checkout	Result	Match Score
T Russell	vs	L Williams	30.10	16	WON	0-1
K Klausen	vs	A Nesbit	41.80	-	LOST	1-1
A Proffitt	vs	A Williams	33.25	-	LOST	2-1
T Lenahan	vs	B Toner	27.36	16	WON	2-2
A Tod	vs	J Vickers	37.29	-	LOST	3-2
D Williams	vs	C Moss	25.50	-	LOST	4-2
K Woods	vs	J Fearon	31.83	-	LOST	5-2
R Brown	vs	J Calvert	50.17	40	WON	5-3
	vs					6-3

The Prince Leopold 8 - 1 The Foresters

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

Well my British chums, the final league game of the season went down as well as the time when my ex wife Liza Minelli got drunk at home. I tried to pick her up after she had been drinking vodka and threw her over my head to get her into bed. She hit my head a number of times. She broke every blood vessel in the back of my head. A bodyguard finally got her in bed. He was hit in the stomach…and he’s a karate champ of England.

We went into the game with morale lower than a snakes belly against an invincible team but what did you expect? My good friend Nicholas Parsons told me that it was going to be a 9 nil game. What the hell does he know, he was talking outta his ass. Although 8-1 flattered us a little. The Leopold were awesome, a bit like that time I did the bush tucker trial in the jungle. That said, Alan played like a man possessed, he reminded me of myself in my younger days.

This week I have been busy with my good friend Edward Woodward, he has been teaching me how to be a proper English Gent, I love it people, I even put my little finger in the air when I sip some English tea. So apologies for me filing my report a little late.

This week sees what could be the final game of the season, the cup quarter final against the Copple House, man you guys better win because I’m starting to like this darts business, I wanna come and watch some more. If you get to the finals night, I promise to bring along my good friend Dirk Benedict to inspire you to greater things. Best of luck boys.

Till next time,
David

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
M Rice	vs	L Williams	LOST	1-0
P Cunningham	vs	J Vickers	LOST	2-0
P Brooks	vs	J Fearon	LOST	3-0
E Kershaw	vs	A Nesbit	LOST	4-0
R Watts	vs	A Williams	WON	4-1
S Broomfield	vs	J Calvert	LOST	5-1
P Hourihan	vs	S Sarbutts	LOST	6-1
D Farrington	vs	C Moss	LOST	7-1
	vs		LOST	8-1

The Foresters 3 - 6 Frames

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

Well my British chums, our time together may be coming to an end as the season is nearly over for you guys but hey I’m loving it here in the UK so you may well see me again next season. I’m like that pimple of your ass, you can’t get rid of me, you just have to learn to live with me and grow to love me! Anyway, before the season ends we still have a couple of key games left to play. Do you like the picture? Its me with my good friend Jayne Middlemiss.

This week my good friend Theo Pathitis from Dragons Den asked if he could come with me to watch you guys play to see if he wanted to invest in the team for next season, sadly he didn’t make it, on his way to the home of darts his driver died.

Anyway the game was against Frames, I like Frames, climbing frames are my favourite. My good friend Michael Jackson let me play on Bubbles climbing frame once but I fell off and nearly died, I think I slipped in some monkey pee, Bubbles had took his diaper off and when my good friend David Letterman jumped out on him to surprise him, the poor little guy couldn’t help himself and he had a little accident. Talking of little accidents, Dave had to leave the pub as he apparently had a wardrobe malfunction, it sounded a little suspicious to me also!

In the game, you guys got your asses handed to you, Frames were good, a bit like me when I was in the Jungle, unfortunately, you guys played like my ex wife Liza Minelli, all over the freakin place! I will be telling my maid Virginika Seamen all about it when she comes to comb my back tomorrow. I will also be telling her about the team’s lothario John “The lady’s man” Vickers. I thought I was good with the opposite sex, man you couldn’t keep the guy away from that lady. All credit to John, not even the presence of the lady’s husband put off JV!

Right you guys, I will see you in a couple of weeks for the last league game, I’m off to have lunch in The Ivy with my good friends Peggy Mitchell from Eastenders and Michael Aspel.

Till next time,
David.

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
L Williams	vs	T McKeown	LOST	0-1
J Vickers	vs	J Keenan	WON	1-1
S Sarbutts	vs	J Holmes	LOST	1-2
A Nesbit	vs	A McKay	LOST	1-3
A Williams	vs	R McGrady	WON	2-3
J Calvert	vs	B Bradshaw	LOST	2-4
J Fearon	vs	W Thompson	LOST	2-5
C Moss	vs	I Davies	WON	3-5
J Doyle	vs	R Waterhouse	LOST	3-6

The Dryden 5 - 4 The Foresters

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

Well my British friends, Thursday’s game took us to some place called St. Sebastian’s Social Club. When I heard it was in Kensington I though that it was just around the corner from my Exclusive Hotel Suite in London, but I was told by my good friend Dale Winton that it was the other Kensington so I got my driver to take me to meet you guys there in sunny Liverpool. I still managed to get there quicker than Billy, the slowest taxi driver in the whole of the UK!

When I got to the club, I realised that I recognised the place, I knew someone who used to drink in there regularly, he died. Judging by the singing coming from the main room, it sounded like someone else was dying whilst we were there! Speaking of singing, do you like the picture? Its me with my good friend Peter Andre. He is so pretty I nearly broke my heterosexuality record that goes back almost 20 years!

The game was a bit of a funny one, you guys should’ve won but the other team hit their finishes so what can you do? I especially liked their number 9 who Dave beat; he had a moustache like a freakin’ eyebrow!

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do this week. I’m meeting up with my good friends Diana Ross, Joey from Friends, Dawn French and Arsenal’s Flamini to see if we can buy my good friend Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch and restore it to it’s former glory. The last time I was there, Michael’s Monkey Bubbles through some crap at me whilst I was on the Waltzer, it landed in my hair and took weeks to get out. Man that Monkey can throw, if there was ever a Monkey Baseball team, that little fella would be the star pitcher!

A few of you guys keep asking me about my crosses, you can’t have too many crosses, you never know who you’re going to come across (hey I’m in Europe, Transylvania ain’t so far away), and my new cross has got twenty carats. Check out the bling British people!

Till next time,
David

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
J Cox	vs	L Williams	WON	0-1
C Holden	vs	S Sarbutts	LOST	1-1
J Chapman	vs	C Moss	LOST	2-1
M Allen	vs	A Nesbit	LOST	3-1
F Holden	vs	A Williams	WON	3-2
P Chapman (Jnr)	vs	B Toner	LOST	4-2
P Chapman (Snr)	vs	J Fearon	WON	4-3
R Holden	vs	J Calvert	LOST	5-3
L Chapman	vs	D Ainscough	WON	5-4

The Foresters 6 - 3 Derry Club

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

My good friend Lionel Blair told me that you guys were playing against some team called the Derry Club. I’ve heard of that place, I knew a guy who used to go there all the time, he died! Presumably from asphyxiation due to the bad small from last time you guys played there!

Before the game, I had to go and meet some advertising people for the forthcoming launch of my show that’ll be touring the UK. You Brits, you talk like you’ve got your feet caught in a bear trap, who’s this Liam Gallagher and who is Our Kid? And what are mooshy peas? Anyway, I had a great day out, and the stupid advertising people wanted to put me on posters and I said “No way, I want to be on buses!” So that’s where I’m going to be! On buses! I love it guvnor! Do you like the picture? It’s me playing a jolly game of Polo. I love Polo, its got be my fourth favorite game in the whole world.

I’m going to have to call my good friend Chevy Chase about what I said last week, when I mentioned that I would be looking into getting a new star on the Boulevard for Stephen after his last game. I think I’m going to have to cancel that, he was so bad this week I might have to sentence him to 24 hours in the company of my ex-wife Liza Minelli. Man, you don’t want to do that, she’s as as crazy as a Coconut!

Anyway, to the game. When I saw the league table, I thought that these guys would be so bad that even The Chinese Women with Herpes team would be able to beat them, but they were made of sterner stuff. I was slightly distracted by some soccer game going on that I couldn’t see all of the games, but it was a good solid victory for my boys. Nice to see Billy for the first time in a couple of weeks, he reminds my of a Monkey, you know, everyone should have a monkey. Just, you know, to learn from. They’re like people only without all the bad, nasty bits. They don’t drink, they don’t start wars, they can’t drive cars. We can all learn something from monkeys, but we shouldn’t fling our poop like they do.

I gotta get going, me and my maid, Virginika Seamen are going over to California to see my good friend Michael Jackson, he’s fallen on hard times and doesn’t have much space in his apartment so we’re going to stay in this hotel nearby that is only for Albinos. Yeah, I know I’m not an Albino, but hey, the owner is my good friend William Shatner.

Till next time,
David

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
L Williams	vs	C Johnston	LOST	0-1
J Vickers	vs	B Close	WON	1-1
J Calvert	vs	D Lewis	WON	2-1
A Williams	vs	J Dougherty	WON	3-1
A Nesbit	vs	N Oswald	WON	4-1
S Sarbutts	vs	J Barber	LOST	4-2
D Ainscough	vs	D Maddox	LOST	4-3
J Fearon	vs	D Watson	WON	5-3
B Toner	vs	J Murphy	WON	6-3

The Farnworth 4 - 5 The Foresters

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

My good friend Randy Jackson’s cousin told me you guys were playing at some place called the Farnworth so I got my driver to take me to this little quaint English pub. Have you got cousins? I’ve got hundreds of them, and they keep dying. It’s very sad. You want to hear about them? There’s Dick, killed by beaver, there’s Fatima killed by a photocopier, there’s Leroy who had a scab, it’s too sad I can’t go on. Do you like the picture? Its me with my good friend Lou Gosset Jnr.

So OK, I turned up at The Farnworth (eventually - I can’t leave the hotel without the bling, who’s the diva, I’m the diva, don’t any of you people ever forget it) and they got me looking wonderful for all my guests, Tina Le Cocka, Eunice Schlong and her husband, Long Schlong, to name just a few. The guys say I looked like a god, make up your own minds (but yes, I did look like a GOD).

Anyway, you guys nearly gave me a heart attack, just like the last game when you were up 4 to 1 and you lost, I thought the same was going to happen again. I was mad, mad like shit, but fortunatley Joe pulled it round. It was interesting game and should’ve been easier than it turned out. I’ve no idea what happened to Chris, he got a tinhat, I knew a guy who got a tinhat once, he died! I’ll be asking my good friends in Hollywood to get a new star on the Boulevard for Stephen, wow, a 99 check out against that fat guy (who I thought was going to die on the oche!) That’s the best damn darts I’ve ever seen. The word on the street is Stephen is gonna be the one to watch, and I should know - I was the one spreading the word! Have I spoken to every person in Britain? Not yet. But I will. I WILL, I PROMISE!!

I gotta get going now, I’m having my nose hair plucked by my maid Virginika Seamen, if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s nose hair.

Till next time,
David

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
G Shaw	vs	L Williams	WON	0-1
M O’Sullivan	vs	J Vickers	WON	0-2
L Casey	vs	S Sarbutts	WON	0-3
T Garbe	vs	C Moss	LOST	1-3
B Garbe	vs	A Williams	WON	1-4
T Williamson	vs	A Nesbit	LOST	2-4
K Poole	vs	J Calvert	LOST	3-4
D Gibson	vs	D Ainscough	LOST	4-4
P McEldowney	vs	J Fearon	WON	4-5

The Foresters 4 - 5 All Saints

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

The first thing I saw when my driver stopped outside the Foresters was a midget, I love midgets because I think they are lucky, I saw one the first day I arrived in Australia and I knew that was going to be a good trip. They remind me of leprechauns, but they can be very hard to catch.

The home of darts was where it was all going to happen and I can say honestly that when I arrived I felt at home. Before I came here I was very sickly. I had asthma, bronchitis, blotches, gonorrhoea and diarrhoea. I could barely walk, I had a bad lisp. I stuttered and I spat my words out in people’s faces. I came here and I was rejuvenated!

I was amazed to see so many of you guys in your British pub on the most romantic day of the year. Me? I’ve actually had hundreds of marriage proposals since I left the jungle. It’s incredible.

Again we had some good performances and some indifferent games but you guys should have won. I told JV to go 18 then Bull but he wouldn’t listen. I knew a guy who didn’t go 18 then Bull when he was on 68 with two darts in his hand once. He died! At 4-1 though, I can’t believe you lost. I’ll be telling Virginika Seamen all about it at my next back waxing session.

Next week we have no game so you boys better get practicing. With the week off, I’m having a dinner party with my good friends Matt Willis, Jason Donovan and Diana Ross. I just hope that we have some fruit in the meal, I knew a lady once who didn’t eat fruit for a week. She died.

Till next time,

David

Vote for Man of the Match

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
L Williams	vs	F Butler	WON	1-0
J Vickers	vs	J Channell	LOST	1-1
J Fearon	vs	A Blundell	WON	2-1
A Nesbit	vs	P Callaghan	WON	3-1
S Sarbutts	vs	C Alpin	WON	4-1
D Ainscough	vs	J Dunbavin	LOST	4-2
J Calvert	vs	A McCann	LOST	4-3
A Williams	vs	P Ormandy	LOST	4-4
C Moss	vs	G Lawson	LOST	4-5

The Selwyn 5 - 4 The Foresters

Comments from David Gest…

Holy Focaccia!

When my good friend Tito Jackson told me that you guys needed a ‘Gest’ commentator for your darts team there was only one man for the job. I love your British pubs and your pints of beer so I thought it couldn’t be any worse than being beaten round the head by my ex wife Liza Minelli.

So we all headed off to some trashy little pub called the Selywn. I knew somebody who used to go in there a lot. He died! I did invite my good friend Jason Donovan to join me but he was filming some new show for ITV so I got a lift of one of team, Joe I think his name was. He didn’t look too happy when that speed camera flashed his ass when we were coming home though!

Anyway the game, the other team were as slippery as snakes, I am not scared of snakes. I once took Bubbles, Michael’s monkey, with me to the movies. The game was up and down with some good performances from you guys, well played to Liam, James, Stephen and Chris. I’ve no idea what happened to Andrew, he played like a freakin’ retard.

Right, I gotta go, my maid Virginika Seamen is coming round to my apartment to do my hair, should be ready by next week.

Till then,

David

Home Player	vs	Away Player	Result	Score
L Kelly	vs	L Williams	WON	0-1
D Murphy	vs	J Vickers	LOST	1-1
C Wildman	vs	J Fearon	LOST	2-1
W Randles	vs	A Nesbit	LOST	3-1
G Wynne	vs	J Calvert	WON	3-2
D Evans	vs	S Sarbutts	WON	3-3
K McGrath	vs	A Williams	LOST	4-3
R Goldbourne	vs	C Moss	WON	4-4
K Brand	vs	D Ainscough	LOST	5-4

The Foresters 2 - 7 The Phythian

Comments from Kojo the Ninja…

Konichiwa my young apprentices,

I hope you like picture of me in Ninja training with my Ninja Dog, Ustinov. Picture taken long time ago as you can tell by fact I am showing my face, my face change since then though. Ustinov no longer a practising Ninja as he piss on open street lamp and electrocute self, no girls allowed to be Ninja’s you see.

I most disappointed with the result of the game against the Phythian. I expecting something special after some Ninja style training. I obviously need to spend more time with you, time precious and should not be wasted, they say man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time, we need to stop this shitty time.

The night was not complete loss. We welcomed back two players who have been absent for most of season, welcome back Joe-san and Ian-san. I think it fair to say that Phythian were much better than last time we cross swords, so congratulations to players who won. I reserve special praise for Chris-san who is my Ninja of Week. He requiring 117 to claim game in Ninja style, we he hit double-top to claim game, he met with wall of silence, as called than say “107 scored”, cue laughter and finger pointing. Credit to him though, as he came right back and checked out double-five to win game.

Sayonara
Kojo

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The Foresters 2 - 7 The Copplehouse

Comments from Kojo the Ninja…

Good day, my young apprentices,

I honoured to be here to watch your game of darts. I used to play a similar game at Ninja School, granted I was throwing shurikens at peasants but you get idea.

I was little disappointed at outcome of this game, but I will put this down to first game after the Christmas break and the ying not in balance with yang. The only winners on the night were Alan-san and Andrew-san, with my vote for Ninja of the Week going to Alan-san, who in true Ninja style got off with three doubles! It remind me of old Ninja saying, man with one hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

I would like to also give some praise to Dennis-san who seems to getting his killer instinct back, I always felt he have eyes of killer.

No contest next week, so I will be back in two weeks to watch game from shadows.

Kojo

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